In the End What Will Matter…

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Who made these rules that we need to survive
Who made these rules that keep us barely alive

If in the end it’s not who we truly want to be
Why do we stay and endure when we should get up and flee

So here we are living the life we’re told to accept
The daily grind we’ve allowed and has us kept

And while we long for dreams to manifest and become alive
We’ll ponder tomorrow where only our hopes seem to thrive

Thank G-d we have each other and don’t go at this alone
Let’s break free of this mold and grab the vision we’ve been shown

Time is ticking blowing effortlessly with the wind
Let’s get up and go together my companion, my wife, my friend

In the end what will really matter
All these so called rules and methods are nothing but economic and social chatter…

Letter to My Best Friend [Wife]

MAD Hippies Life Indian Pekas Wilderness

Debbie asked me the other day why I think we’ve been married for over 30 years. As I did when we first met, I went speechless. I spent most of the next day thinking about it and composing a letter to her…

Debbie,

We’ve had some pretty cool conversations lately, with all that is going on and the life changes we’re evolving into, empty-nesters, reverting back to being teenagers and now grandparents! What a journey. But then you stumped me when you asked if I could explain how we’ve been together for 30ish years after being married so young, and all my mind could do was conjure up a whirlwind of memories. I sat speechless and helpless reeling for an explanation, the words did not come, only memories of what we were, what we are and what we want to become. All I could think of was for you to jump into my mind and see, experience and relive all those memories, but through my eyes…my perspective…and maybe then you’d understand. Alas, you’re not Spock so I will engage to find an answer that I hope will satisfy.

I’ll try to keep this “appropriate” though let’s be real, it’s what I feel, it’s who I am and it needs to be said. I see little difference in my feelings for you since day one, if there were a change it could only be positive growth in an evolutionary grasp of what love truly means to me and how you have helped me understand that over the years. Find a comfortable position, read on and please don’t laugh at my raw and unfiltered feelings.

I’ve often wondered if you felt what I feel, the sensation of electricity exploding across my body when you touch me. I want you to experience the journey through the cosmos you send me on when we’re intimate. I want you to feel the warm summer breeze that wraps around my heart when I catch you staring at me. When we were teenagers and would be apart, I would ache to be near you. When we were newlyweds, my body and soul were ablaze with an intensity of being able to have you all to myself. As young parents, I wanted to parade you all over town with pride. And now, as empty-nesters, I want you to know what you’ve done to me, what you mean to me and why I even bother getting out of bed every morning, that my life would be worth so much.

And yet I sat speechless in front of you, unable to answer a simple question, if that were true, and express to you how you’ve made our existence [our lives, our children, our relationship] on so many levels an eternal commitment that I never would have realized could be a reality. It’s truly unfathomable to me that I would be so lucky as to have someone in my life that is more precious than my own life, than life itself. How do I pour out my feelings to you and retain in some sense of clarity what only my heart, mind and soul have known all these years? Love is just a word, but my feelings for you are pure, erotic and primeval energy.

My vision of us being somewhat abstract, I keep it all hidden inside. Who would understand? Who wouldn’t laugh? And yet, it’s all so real to me. When we met two worlds collided and a whole new world was formed from the cosmic collision that now has expanded into a universe surrounding the light of our passion and all that we’ve created from the essence of our beings. You were hauntingly familiar to me when we met. The closer we became the more I felt the sensation that this was not the first time. You were exotic, cosmic and strange, though somehow familiar as your soul – my soul – our soul was reunited. I could bore the world with what an amazing person you are. I could go on and on about the friend, mother, wife…you are. I could go on and on about all that you do, seen and unseen. And still I would sit here, no words forming in my mouth, just flashes and floods of memories and the smile of an afternoon daydream on my face.

How exactly has 30ish years come and gone and we’re still two love struck teenagers deeply intertwined and living out the dreams we would speak of back in the day, before marriage, talking on the phone till the wee hours of the morning? I don’t honestly know. It just seems to me that it works. Each day has brought something new and we embraced it together. Even those days we didn’t see eye to eye, those days we’d love to forget, but they happened and here we still are. Seems to me we just grew together, experienced together, choose our lives to be together and never apart. While you might be technically categorized as my wife, you’ll always be my best friend, and who doesn’t want to be with their best friend 24-7?

I still get weak-kneed when you kiss me. My body still shudders when we are close. I can’t explain it. I love your body as much as your mind. Your heart and soul become more and more attractive each passing year. I still love watching you put on makeup, and still wonder why you cover up what is already beautiful. Your energy and compassion for others captivates me, and though I become jealous, I know you must, it’s who you are. I love the way you smell, without perfume. I love the way you look, without makeup. I love the way you think, unscripted, raw and unapologetic. I love that your adventures are my adventures. I love that your dreams are my dreams. I love that when we’re alone and the house is quiet I can still hear music. I love catching you looking at me. I love watching you perform menial tasks knowing you’ve always got my back. I love that you challenge me, and indeed asked me this question and making me contemplate all these things. As the Emerson, Lake and Palmer song says, “…still you turn me on.”

And yet, here I sit, with all my colourful words at a loss, stumped for a clear and concise answer. To my defense, I’ve never needed a reason, I’ve never sought a reason nor have I ever wanted a reason why, 30ish years later, we’re still here living out our lives together. You’ve taught me about love [and a plethora of other things]. And although my layers and walls might have me presumed as a very internal, quiet and stoic person, I am very much alive inside and ever so grateful for, not only the gift of life, but that I would be so blessed to spend it with you. Did I answer the question, I doubt it. One thing is for sure, I can’t imagine being anywhere else in life than with you and am looking forward to an additional 30ish years of raw and unfiltered adventures, experiences and life as we live it. 

Remember the poem I wrote a while back? It still stands…

When we speak without words…
When we embrace without touch…
When we get lost in the moment…When our souls ache to be near…
…I’d walk to the ends of the earth to find you